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Tipping Issue
Dress Disaster
How to
Address an Invitation
Bridezilla over Friend's Engagement
Shower
Invitations
Children
not Invited
Parents
don't approve of Child's Choice
Getting
Guests to a Party
25th
Anniversary
Ideas |
Tipping Issue
Q: I am getting married in June and I was
hoping you could give me some tips on
tipping. The location of my wedding does not
allow outside catering or alcohol. So I must
use theirs which is a bit expensive and now i found out they add on a mandatory 15% tip
onto the food bill and another 15% on top of
the total alcohol bill. I thought tips were
for good service and I haven't tasted the
food or alcohol yet and I have no idea how
the service will be. Are they allowed to
force a tip? Are there other people i am
supposed to tip? How do I know who to tip?
Is it always 15%?
A: Actually that’s what some vendors do.
Consider it part of the price and you don’t
have to worry about having to add a tip
later. Good for you for finding out now
though. Some people don’t find out until
later and then tip on top of the mandatory
tip. Tipping is supposed "To Insure
Prompt Service" (TIPS) and ranges from 10-20%.
See full article on this.
Dress Disaster
Q: Hi! I met you at the wedding show in
Langley at the casino. We talked about how I
have fallen in love with a dress that's in a
store I am not crazy about. I have heard bad
things about the store and I have been there
a few times to try on the dress and I have
also had not such great experiences there.
The last time I went there and tried it on,
I was going to write down the brand name and
discovered no tag. I have looked EVERYWHERE
for this dress and cant find it anywhere
else!! I've looked on the store website to
see if I can find it, but I can't. The
website has tons of designers and thousands
of dresses and I can't find it on there. I
called the store to ask them the brand name
so I could locate the dress on the website
and show it to an out of town friend and
they refuse to tell me. First she said "We
have a website?" Then she called me back
after talking to her boss and said she's not
allowed to tell me. Is this normal? I
thought it was very weird that they would
expect you to buy a dress without knowing
the brand? I'm really torn now. Should I buy
the dress from this store and take it
somewhere else for alterations? Should I
give up and settle for a second choice
dress? Even though I don't have a second
choice. I LOVE this dress!
A: They know exactly why you want
the name of the dress. They know their
reputation is bad. I don’t know how
they can be in business much longer if
they keep up the way they are. If
they’re out of business after you order
the dress you could really be up the
creek at the last minute. It’s happened
before. Is there any chance you’ve seen
photos of dresses similar or with parts
of it similar? Is it a dress that you
could have made for you? Sometimes it’s
a better deal and better dress when it’s
made for you. I’m really hesitant to
encourage you to buy a dress from a
place with such bad customer service.
No matter how much you love the dress,
it’ll hurt a lot more if you buy it and
something goes wrong with it or the
store selling it. Check out my local
links for reputable dress solutions:
http://www.diyweddingresource.com/L-Attire.htm
How to
Address an Invitation
Q:
How do you address an invitation for a
special event (not a wedding) and include
the children. Do you address it m/m....and
family?? – Stephanie
A:
It depends on how formal your event is. It
is quite acceptable to add ‘and family’ so
your guests will know everyone in their home
is invited. This is what I’ve always done
and seen done most often. A more formal
invitation would have the parent’s names on
the outer envelope and then again on the
inner envelope with the children’s names
spelled out underneath the parent’s names.
Adult children even if living in the same
house should receive their own invitation.
Examples:
Married couple only: Mr. and
Mrs. Smith
Married couple and everyone under same roof:
Mr. and Mrs. Smith and family
Unmarried couple living at same address: Ms.
Emily Jones and Mr. Bob Smith (each name on
separate line)
Single person permitted to bring a guest
whose name you don’t know: Miss Smith and
Guest (traditionally only “and Guest” would
be on the inner envelope, but most don’t use
inner envelopes anymore)
Single person alone: Miss Smith
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Bridezilla over Friend's Engagement
Q: …I have a
question of etiquette for you. Now, I don't know if
this is bordering on "Bridezilla" behaviour, or not,
but something just isn't sitting that well with me.
I am getting married in 3 weeks, and a few days ago
my bridesmaid told me that she became engaged
(unfortunately to her boyfriend whom I don't feel is
a good match). This was a complete surprise, as she
had just told me a few weeks prior that she was
intending on waiting awhile to see how living
together would go before getting into that kind of
commitment.
My question is - was it tacky for my friend's
boyfriend to propose to her so close to our
wedding? Is there any etiquette on this, or am I
just in "Bridezilla" mode because of the challenges
I see with the partnership?
Any advice you can offer me on this subject would be
so appreciated! When she told me about it the other
night, I congratulated her, but didn't have
excitement in my voice. If you have any guidance
for how I can proceed with her in the near future,
as she will be in my wedding party, I'd love to hear
that too! - L
A: Yes, of course I remember you. That’s
great the way you were able to get what you wanted
without paying any extra. That is exactly what I
encourage.
On the bridezilla question, bridezilla’s don’t
usually worry about their behaviour, so you don’t
qualify as one. However, it is important to
remember, that even though your wedding is the most
important thing in your life right now, it’s not
necessarily the most important event to everyone
else. They love you and want your wedding to be
fantastic, but it’s not their only focus.
It
is actually quite common for friends, especially
close friends to get engaged when one is getting
married. Since she is your bridesmaid and will be
excited for you and wedding talk is most likely
prevalent between you, it’s natural she’ll be
looking to make a similar commitment. She may be
subconsciously trying to fill in where your
relationship will be changing as well. This might
be why she’s making a ‘poor choice’ of companion
too. She may be choosing Mr. Right Now, instead of
Mr. Right. The bad news is, there isn’t much you
can do about her choices. The best you can do is be
a soft place to land when and if she falls. When
we’re in love we rarely hear what people are saying
to us. If you have concerns, she’s going to take it
as criticism which will cause a rift in the
relationship to the point she may choose not to keep
you in her confidence any longer. You want to keep
her close so you can be there when she needs you.
So
to answer your question, it’s no breech of etiquette
to get engaged near the same time as a friend. She
probably didn’t have any control over when he asked
anyway. If he’d proposed in front of everyone at
your reception, that would have been inappropriate.
I’d
try not to be too judgmental and ask her to disclose
to you all the reasons she wants to get married. It
will get her thinking about it and maybe she’ll
realize the guy isn’t going to be a good match after
all. Just because he spent the money on the ring,
doesn’t mean the deal is done. Hopefully it’s a
long engagement and she’s got time to figure things
out. Recommend she have any vendor contracts in
writing and be clear what cancellation fees are.
Don’t make it sound like you expect she’ll have to
cancel, just work it in there as a normal wedding
procedure (because it is). I highly recommend
staying positive and not worrying about what you
can’t control. It’s your wedding in 3 weeks and you
only want positive energy present. If you and your
bridesmaid have a rift, it’s going to have an affect
on how you feel. I promise you won’t remember
everything that people say or even do at your
wedding, but you will remember how you felt.
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Shower Invitations
I’m a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and
planning her wedding shower. I’m wondering when
would the appropriate time be to send the
invitations because I don’t want to conflict with
the bride’s mother’s invitations to another wedding
shower. -Laura
First of all shower invitations are not nearly as
formal as wedding invitations. They can be mailed,
hand delivered or issued by phone call within 2-3
weeks of the event. A shower is held 2 weeks to 2
months before the wedding. Second of all, if a
bride is having more than one shower, the organizers
should coordinate guest lists to make sure guests
aren’t invited to both showers, otherwise it can
feel a bit like a gift grab. In that same vein,
according to Emily Post’s Etiquette Guide, “…the
bride or groom’s immediate family members do not
host a shower; doing so can appear self-serving-and
be seen as a request for gifts.” This guideline can
be broken in some circumstances, but since a
bridesmaid is hosting a shower already, and the
bride is local, if another shower is necessary,
perhaps the mother’s friend could host the shower
instead. Although today’s etiquette is less about
what Emily Post has to say and more about making
your guests feel comfortable. It is still important
to know the rules before you break them.
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Children Not Invited
Q: Can Magna give some advice on how to deal
with invitations (both verbal and written) for adult
only events? I have had problems more than once
trying to host an adult only party and then had
guests bring their children. In some cases I have
sent out written invitations with the just the
adult’s names on them, and other times I have called
for a more informal gathering. Also, how should I
deal with it tactfully when these same people arrive
at the party with their children.- Sharon
A: This is always a challenging subject. First
of all, you need to know your guest list. Not
everyone will know or think that only those whose
names appear on an invitation are invited. Be
pre-emptive on your invitation. For a less formal
event, you can add a humorous line “Call your
baby-sitter because it’s time to party!” or “Take
time out from your busy family schedule, and enjoy a
night out with your friends.” You should never
print ‘no children’ or ‘adults only’ on an
invitation , so for more formal events, you should
follow-up with your guests that you suspect may
bring their children and ask if they’ve arranged for
a babysitter. If you’re not that bold, you could
bring into conversation at some point the
arrangements you’ve made for your own children or
that another friend has planned for their children,
so its obvious children won’t be there. If a lot of
your friends have children and you can’t call that
many people, you may consider having a separate room
for children and have babysitters hired to keep the
children occupied. With enough early effort,
hopefully you won’t have to deal with guests
arriving at the party with their children. A
graceful host will always accept all their guests
and perhaps set the children in a separate room with
a video if they’re old enough to be unsupervised.
The parents are sure to realize well enough on their
own their mistake and probably leave fairly early
anyway.
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Parents don't approve of Child's Choice
Q: Our daughter that we raised
Christian, recently got engaged to a man that
belongs to a church we don’t consider Christian. As
her parents, we are extremely unhappy. What can we
say to help her understand the gravity of her
choice?
- Concerned Parents
A: I hope I don't offend you in my response, but
I'm going to be fairly bold because this seriously
affects not just the energy of the day, but can
permanently affect relationships. I have
researched many faiths and find it interesting that
Christian faiths are often the least tolerant of
other religions. The basis of Christianity is to
follow the example of Jesus Christ. We are
commanded to “judge not, lest we be judged”, yet we
judge negatively way too often. Jesus Christ being
perfect and without sin, did not cast a stone at the
harlot when he could have. As a child I was taught
to act as Jesus would. As a parent it’s still good
advice to take.
Parents, consider the consequences of your words and
actions. You may feel your child is making a
colossal mistake with their choices, but this is
their time to make their own choices. It is hard to
do sometimes, but what they really need is your love
and support. You may need to be a soft place to
fall if your predictions come true, but the best
thing you can do with your predictions is keep them
to yourself.
What ultimately happens is your distrust and anger
will push them away rather than make them do what
you want. Instead of enjoying the happiest day of
their lives with them, you could miss out on that
day plus potentially be cut out of their lives and
not get to enjoy future grandchildren. Is your
pride worth that great of a price?
An alternative is to listen to your children and be
educated on their choices. If they feel you are
willing to hear their side, they may be more willing
to hear yours. Fear comes from lack of knowledge.
Dispel your fears by educating yourself. Trust the
values you’ve instilled in your children are still
there and give them a reason to respect them. Just
as we try to follow Christ’s example, give your
children your good example to follow. Be a good
Christian and “love one another.”
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Getting Guests to a Party
Q: I enjoy planning and
hosting birthday parties, showers, and other
special events. My biggest problem is getting
people to show up! Ten years ago this was not an
issue, but it seems people are busier and more
distracted now. I think friends need to connect
more at these types of events. Do you have any
suggestions as to how to encourage guests to
come and thus avoid embarrassment and
disappointment after much preparation? -Jacquie
A: You’re absolutely right, times
have changed. I too think we’re losing our social
skills with the pressures we put on ourselves to
succeed financially. The best way to connect with
people and get them to your well planned event is to
involve them. Give them an assignment to
participate or bring something. It will at least
weed out the people that say they’ll come just to be
polite, but in reality won’t. It’s also important
to follow up. We have short memories, so a
quick email or phone call a day or two before will
remind them and give you an opportunity to find out
if anything has changed in their plans so you have a
more accurate head count.
25th Anniversary Ideas
Q: I would like to know who
would be responsible to put on a 25th
wedding anniversary. I would like to do
something but I do not know the protocol around
doing it. Should I let my sister in on it or
should it be a surprise. What family members
should do the main planning? Who should pay for
it? Who should make the invitation list, it
almost sounds like another wedding. –Carla
A: A 25th wedding
anniversary has most of the elements of a wedding,
but usually it’s on a smaller scale. The 1st
decisions are budget, date, location, and guest
list. Unless you plan on paying for it all
yourself, then include your sister and any other
siblings you have in the process. If it’s a
surprise, you’re going to need a lot of help from
others to create the guest list. I’d include as
many of the guests as you can. The more
participation, the more creative it will be and the
less work for one person. Delegation is a very
important skill in event planning. Events are team
sports. Think how much fun it’d be to have all the
guests bring a photo of themselves with your parents
from different times over the past 25 years and then
make a scrapbook as an activity at the party. Many
of the photos will probably be ones they’ve never
seen and will generate lots of stories and happy
memories.
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